Banter

[KEN33Y]

7 year old and 4 year old were in their bedroom when the 7 year old turned to the 4 year old and said 'Its about time we started swearing'.

 

The 4 ear old agreed. OK then said the 7 year old when we go down for breakfast I'll swear first then its your turn.

 

They went down stairs and Mam asked the 7 year old what he wanted for breakfast? he uttered 'Coco Pops !Removed!' when whack he was hit off his chair and started crying.

 

She then turned to the 4 year old and uttered quite sternly and what do you want for breakfast whereon, he replied 'don't know but not fecking Coco Pops'.

 

:D

[knightsmith]

Gareth Gates had to cancel his planned comeback concert in Chester tonight.



He got in a taxi to go to the gig but unfortunately he ended up in Chichester.                

 

ATB,

 

Trevor
 

[Old Peter]

This is a very true and recent story.

 

Rugby League have a "Magic Weekend' when all the 12 top clubs play a match at the same location.  This year it is in Gateshead and people are booking well ahead and finding that all the Gateshead hotels are either full or exorbitant.

 

There was one bright spark from Widnes who booked a lovely hotel for two nights at £56 a night for two people in Newcastle.  Quite a few other followed suit as he put the link on one of the club sites.

 

Someone checked out the location and found that it was Newcastle under Lyme where they had booked instead of Newcastle upon Tyne.

 

There is much hilarity in the town at the moment.

[knightsmith]

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over
one eye.

Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The
pirate came over and ordered rum.

"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."

"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk."

"Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"

"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.

"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull !Removed! dangerous?!" he asked.

"Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."      

 

ATB,

 

Trevor        

 

[knightsmith]

And on a football theme:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHyvPnK8LyI

 

ATB,

 

Trevor

[jag2]

kenny see what youve started. scotsman ,englishman, irishman all stranded on a desert island . after 2 weeks without food irish man says to the scots man, come on we will eat the englishman. ok paddy says the scotsman. so they kill the englishman . the scotsman says to the irishman. you start at the bottom and work your way up and i will start at the top and work my way down. after 10mins the scotsman says to the irishman how you getting on paddy. irishman says having a ball jock. scotsman says dont eat so quick ya hungry bas####

[knightsmith]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.



The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."                

ATB,

 

Trevor

[knightsmith]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.



"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there
goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks,he will buy the 5th drink for you."



"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."



"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."



"Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"



"Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"                

ATB,

 

Trevor

[Old Peter]

Twenty years ago I had occasion to travel in the USA and while passing though Arizona I stopped at a small trading post in a place called Tuba City.  I think it was called a city because there was nothing else within a 30 miles radius.  I was introduced to a very wise old medicine man who was reputed to know everything, and I was invited to test his knowledge. So I asked him who won the FA Cup in 1968.  He said, quite correctly that it was West Bromwich.  I was amazed and went on my way.

 

About ten years later I was travelling on the same road and stopped by a small lodge at the side of the road to buy some Navajo Blankets.  I had just completed my purchase, when in came the old medicine man.

 

I greeted him in the Navajo way by holding my hand up and saying "How".

 

He replied "Jeff Astle scored 3 minutes into extra time, and the favourites, Everton, were never in the game as the West Bromwich Goalkeeper had a great game."

 

I still have one of those blankets.

 

Peter.

[TJK]

Irishman sent a letter to tampax dear sir I have been trying your product for the last three months and I still cant ride a bike play tennis or swim