LairdScooby

Pizza

Ketchup

Condiments (Rude > crude >crudites > condiments)

Abusive

Custard

Cobbler

Terminal

Welcome aboard! One of my favourite colours you have there, i know it as White Gold but not sure of the Jaguar name for it. Ditto on the Stone Beige interior (Light Stone i think in Jag-Speak), one of my favourites. Nice looking car!

Welcome aboard!

Have you checked the output from the CPS (Crankshaft Position Sensor) as these can fail suddenly and give simlar symptoms to those you desccribe. Although i'm not a fan of using Easy Start for generally bad starting engines, it's a useful diagnostic tool here - spray some into the air intake while someone else turns the engine over, if the engine fires it's a fuel related problem. If it doesn't, look at the ignition, particularly the CPS to start with. They can be changed (certainly on the V6 which is a similar engine except for an extra pair of cylinders at the back of the V8) in situ without a ramp, it's a fiddle and you need patience and cut-proof knuckles but it can be done. Diagnosis is the thing here, a bit concerned about the key being left in the ignition when the battery was disconnected but that's probably due to the previous car i had. Also have you got a spare key? try that, see if it starts. 😉 😄

Infection

Inflammation

There's usually a filter on the pump inlet which is where the pump fits into the reservoir. Not all cars have it so yours may not or perhaps you haven't pulled the pump out yet? Either way if your drivers side jet only dribbles but the passenger one is fine, the problem is likely to be a blocked jet, usually you can clear it with a needle but i often remove the jets and soak them in a strong solution of vinegar and boiling water - an aerosol cap is usually big enough to do it, drop the jet in and cover it in vinegar then top up with boiling water to about half full. Leave it for a while (overnight if you can) then remove, rinse in clean water and refit. Usually unblocks them. When i first got my Honda, the rear washer jet didn't work, that was blocked and i could see gunge in the pipework so fitted a small filter in-line. Soon after the fronts blocked up, i renewed them and added the same type of filter : https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/234980007066 For under £4, it saves a lot of grief and if it blocks, it can be removed, stripped and cleaned and rebuilt and refitted. 😉 😄

Volkswagen (please excuse my French - German even!)

Insect

In addition to what Joe said, also consider a service, fluids and filters at the least to eliminate any silly faults that the engine management system won't pick up on - it won't tell you the air filter is blocked for example or the fuel filter but (depending on the exact nature of the fault) report something such as throttle valve not working, MAF not working or similar. To illustrate what i mean, on the old Bosch LH-Jetronic, if the fuel pump(s) failed it would often report a MAF problem - people spent a fortune on a new MAF only to discover that wasn't the problem but the reason the ECU thought the MAF had failed is because all the conditions for an increased air flow were present (except of course fuel due to pump failure) so it blamed the most likely component.

Cable

Sounds like a plan to me!

I'm over in the west of Suffolk Jon, in the niche where Cambridgeshire, Norfolk and Suffolk meet. I normally describe it as "next door to Top Gun" which is a fairly accurate description in many ways without saying Lakenheath. Certainly be up for a chat at some point if/when you're in the area.

Exist

Probably one of the few cars that would dare to mix it with a Jag! I see your logic Jon in saying these repairs weren't the cause, however how long have you had the car and do you know if there were any repairs before you got it? I'm thinking something has been disturbed and the alarm LED has been disconnected, following your theory of it never having worked. Might be worth investing some £££ in getting an autoelectrician or Jag specialist to investigate and report but that obviously depends how invested you are in having it working. I find it useful to be able to easily check i've locked the car to be able to look out and see the red LED flashing on the dash for example and i'd willingly pay a reasonable amount for diagnosis if i couldn't work it out myself.

Bothered

It's highly unusual for an LED to fail, particularly one which is pulsed so i'd be looking for an alternative ccause. Have you had any wrk done on the car recently that might have involved trim etc being removed?

Welcome aboard Paul, similar colour to my S Type (obviously older than yours) but you must be proud to achieve your ambition. They're a knowledgeable lot on here, unlike many other prestige car forums the usual advice isn't "take it to your dealer", proper practial helpful advice is given that can often fix problems without (expensive) dealer intervention. Enjoy your Jag! 😉 😄

Check everything is shut as it should be - bonnet, boot, doors etc, although both my cars are older than yours, if a door/bonnet/boot isn't shut properly it will lock but the alarm won't be armed because it's reading something open - even a door not completely shut is enough to cause this. If necessary, open all doors, boot and bonnet and reclose them, ensuring they shut completely. It might fix your problem.